Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
