I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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