my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
