I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
