Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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