Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
