naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
