I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
