Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I still have a little drunk in my system
well, you know. whores of a feather.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
