I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
