my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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