so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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