census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
