yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
