So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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