Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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