Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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