I'm so fucking centered right now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize