Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize