All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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