And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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