Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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