i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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