I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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