this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
