It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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