so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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