3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
