My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
