I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
