So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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