I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
