but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
