This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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