found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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