It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
