we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
