Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
