oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
