today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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