I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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