There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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