he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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