the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
