I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize