There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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