I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
