Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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