Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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