Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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