i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
