I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
