Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
