Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Holy sore nipples Batman
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
