If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
