I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
