I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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