I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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